I have never been one for sitting still. And I had plenty of situations to do so. Throughtout my life, past years. Past pandemic.

I have never known how to do that really. I suppose people now call it ADHD or other letters. I call it curiosity, restlessness.. I call it show me more. I call it, what’s next. I call it and now what….

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Last week I have spent some time together with Nicholas evaluating the MyGen finals of the students at Amsterdam Fashion Institute. It was an experience both interesting, full of vulnerability and inspiration. It also gave me some ideas to speak more about the power of presenting and how you can really get a good glimpse into someone within 7 minutes of presentation and 8 minutes of asking them follow-up questions. So here are my takeaways from the experience that might help anyone with presenting or speaking in public…

Way back, what now feels like an eternity, maybe in March this year, a journalist asked me some questions. And one of those questions was “what do you think is the biggest obstacle when it comes to helping people fleeing the war in Ukraine?”. I remember not taking a pause to think. I remember it was so clear then and feels like premonition now. I said, “the biggest issue is perseverance”. I believed it so strongly then as see now how much fatigue people have when it comes to heavy imagery, unresolved issues, people suffering, survivors' guilt, guilt for having more than those unlucky ones or many other issues I hear from people as time goes by.

Maybe nine years ago, I have placed this post-it note on a window in my room as a reminder for myself to be warry. It said “if you are the smarterst person in the room, you are in a wrong room”. And I really carried those words with me. I kept it as a reminder for growth and for constantly challenging myself. Not just for looking for new rooms, chellenging the “norm”, creating opportunities that feed my hunger to learn and explore….

Exactly a week ago I made my first balloon animal. A dog. A good one. For a first attempt anyways. It felt strange to be in a space so far away from my daily realities of holding space for stories of trauma, fear and running for safety. It was different. And yet so familiar. This space and those people - I have realized I have spent 23 years in youth work, lifelong learning and non formal education. Maybe scary. Maybe inspiring. Maybe a little bit like folding air…

I heard this sentence “we always find words for the things we no longer need to say” and it really grabbed me. I always question so I was really questioning it. Do we? What are things we no longer need to say? What’s the point? How much weight and importance do we put on the words? Into them? Around them? How much silence needs to linger around the words to make them feel or seem different? More or less important. More or less heavy. Words like love or pain? War? Freedom?

Do I deserve to feel anything? To react? More and more I find myself pondering about that. In the beginning, it was just small glimpses, moments or even fractures of those moments. This week someone asked me how I was I responded that I find it super difficult to respond to that question ever since the war (in Ukraine) started…..

Some random reseach shared during the moments of challenged motivation, inspiration and tying it all together for the world that I want to trust with my whole heart.

It’s been more than a month since Ukraine is under attack. It’s been more than a month of tears, loss, grief, anger but also connection, coming together, holding hands and hearts close to each other. I feel like there are so many things to be shared, to be said, to be heard and I think in the begining it was really obvious how lost for words I felt. Now I feel full of stories, full of love, full of ideas and full of visualizing the steps we need to take to keep on going further, going on.

I was born in the USSR. I had a great childhood. I felt loved. I felt treasured. I felt like my world was full of sunlight, magical moments delivered by my parents, grandparents and all the people in the community. I still remember a cake I had when I was 6 years old which had bunnies on it and green grass. I was so happy. So seen. I spent days doing crafts, making clothes. I spend days reading books. I read fairytales from the whole wide world, I read Shakespear, I read a lot to the point where I actually started volunteering at a local library because I loved organizing books so much. I also don’t only say this was my childhood without pain. There was fair share of that too….

Let’s talk about reality, about things that touch our skin. That touch my skin. That land in the parts of the soul that haven’t been remembered for a long time.
How we dare to grow in pain, despite of pain, how we shiver through the light we call humanity. How we hold hands and expand through love…..

A few days ago we celebrated the restoration of the independence of Lithuania. I remember that day thirty-two years ago not super clearly. But I remember fear and uncertainty that was surrounding it for a good while. And the past few weeks I recognise this same uncertainty, anxiety and disbelief of what is going on…

Based on a theory by Hermann von Helmholtz, who was among the first scientists who calculated the rate of nerve conduction in humans. Helmholtz approximated that the speed of nerve conduction in humans was between 50-100 meters per second. I have been thinking a lot about that lately…

Travel is amazing - learning new things, meeting new people… creating more space for yourself… but it also has more difficult and more challenging parts to it…