swimming in grey

I have never been one for sitting still. And I had plenty of situations to do so. Throughtout my life, past years. Past pandemic.

I have never known how to do that really. I suppose people now call it ADHD or other letters. I call it curiosity, restlessness.. I call it show me more. I call it, what’s next. I call it and now what.

However past months I have been sitting still. Not all days and not all the times but I have been sitting still. As if it’s a gift. As if it’s a torture. As if its a moment of stillness before the world changes.

Today world became bigger. Today world became much smaller.

A week ago I bought a lot of tiny figurines to continue my curiosity of imagination how a strawberry can look like a flame of a fire or a droplet can be a pool.

I am swimming through fire that touches other people.

I am swimming through the pain.

I really don’t know how to pack it all up.

I feel small. I feel smaller than people figurines that are 1/8th of strawberry already.

Strawberries can be so magical. I remember my grandma used to take me to weed out strawberry plants to the garden. I thought it was the biggest torture that would take me away from my books. I loved reading. But I also loved strawberries. I still do. I loved my grandmother. I still do. But shes somewhere else now. I loved being around her. I just never realised I never liked doing things that brought all those things together. Like weeding the strawberries so I would spend more time with her.

So I learned to spend more time somewhere else. So I learned the elaborate art of distraction. Even before social media. Even before there were letters identifying feelings and diagnosing restlessness. So now, sometimes I sit still. I learn to pronounce words and be more quiet. And I learn that grey can be a beautiful colour. Still.