One question project: St Abel
How do you find your voice and continuously foster the process of self-development and authenticity?
I love this question because it’s one that has been on my mind for a long time, for as long as I have been writing music, since I was 16. Much like most singers, I started imitating my favourite vocalists at first and began experimenting from there. I’m not quite sure if there is a clear moment of ~arriving~ to my artistic voice because I think it’s always a process, always a journey. But I do know that the way I approach my style of singing now is really intuitive and embodied. Singing for me feels really good in my body; my voice feels really good in my body; singing is incredibly grounding for me. It’s the most ~human~ experience that I can have in my body. That’s where I am at now as a vocalist and if people’s reactions are to be believed, I think they can see that at my shows too.
People have come up to me after shows saying that they feel like they could see right into me when I sing, or that my artistry does something to them. Of course, I feel like that is the single most flattering thing anyone can say about what I do. But the thing is I’ve found my own little space where my singing must move me too. This is likely my foremost priority in all of my performances and when I don’t feel like being moved, I just don’t sing. In that sense, finding your artistic voice is also knowing when not to sing. But I can appreciate that for most singers this is actually really hard to do! You always want to do the thing that makes you feel good: playing shows, giving it your all, sharing your artform. But I think we also forget in all that fun that performing takes a toll on us too. It’s something that I think a lot of artists feel like they cannot express without sounding ungrateful; I certainly feel that way at times. Performing takes a toll on me and my mental health. I will always need to recharge and to reevaluate how I feel about being on stage, asking for people’s time and attention, and how to make it count when I do have their time and attention. What is it really that I’m trying to say here as an artist?
I think people are probably tired of hearing this by now, but I took about 8 years away from performing because I couldn’t answer that very question. I just felt like, god knows the world doesn’t need another singer-songwriter. And it took me so long to feel comfortable as an artist, to even call myself a musician. But finally I thought, well I keep writing these songs and while the world might not need another artist, I still am one. So I’ll share St. Abel with everyone and anyone that feels the way I do. And for as long as they want me to.
I don’t know if people find my performance authentic every single time but I definitely do not perform when I can’t get into that headspace. I only sing when I feel the urge to sing. It’s a luxury of also not depending on my artistry for my daily needs. I know it’s definitely not a privilege that a lot of full-time musicians have. It becomes a job and there’s no escaping the need to keep going at it if you fully depend on it on a daily basis. But that’s definitely not my experience in my music-making so I do have the luxury of taking a hiatus. I certainly take a lot of breaks from St. Abel and that comes with another set of struggles too. It can be a struggle to take time away from it all: the social media, the shows, the writing. Sometimes, there’s even a fleeting fear of, what if I never book a show ever again? It’s really scary because I definitely feel the FOMO when I’m away but having that discipline to stay away from the stage for a little while always ensures that I’ll only get back on there, if I really want to, you know? I think people can see that when I’m on stage, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
About St Abel:
My name is Irina but I think most people would know me as St. Abel. I am a genre-neutral musician, songwriter, and most importantly a person who loves to sing. I am Malaysian-born and a Third Culture Kid, but I’ve called Amsterdam home for close to 6 years now, where I live with my partner and my dog. I’m also a formally trained art historian and I’m currently working on my doctorate–a little trivia there for you.