Little Steps: The Art of Self-Soothing

We are often told to “calm down” or “relax,” but rarely are we shown how. I suppose that’s one of the reasons my mind kept circling back to the quiet, tender moments we have with ourselves - the ones nobody sees, but that make all the difference - self-soothing. I’ve noticed how many of us, myself included, can still find it difficult to comfort ourselves when life feels overwhelming. Self-soothing is not about ignoring problems or forcing positivity; it is about learning to create an inner sense of safety so our body and mind can soften. This ability is deeply linked to our nervous system. According to Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011), when we feel threatened - whether by real danger or simply a flood of anxious thoughts - our body moves into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Self-soothing practices gently signal to the nervous system that it is safe to return to a state of rest.

These techniques can take many forms. For some, it’s placing a hand over the heart and taking slow, measured breaths - a practice shown in studies to lower cortisol levels and reduce anxiety (McCraty & Zayas, 2014). For others, it’s the grounding presence of warm tea in their hands, listening to the rhythm of rain, or wrapping themselves in a soft blanket. Even something as simple as humming or singing to oneself can activate the vagus nerve, helping the body move toward calmness (Kreutz et al., 2004).

Self-soothing is also closely connected to attachment theory. Those who grew up without consistent comfort may find it harder to regulate emotions as adults, but the encouraging news is that self-soothing can be learned and strengthened over time (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Gentle, repeated acts of care toward ourselves create new pathways of trust - showing our nervous system that we can be both the source and the recipient of safety.

I often remind myself that self-soothing is not a luxury. It is a practice of self-respect, one that can be woven into the smallest pockets of our day. A deep breath in a tense moment. A pause to notice the weight of your feet on the ground. Choosing a song that slows your heartbeat. These are not grand gestures, but small acts of kindness toward ourselves - the little steps that make HOME feel closer.

And maybe that is the quiet beauty of it: self-soothing reminds us that we are capable of holding ourselves with the same tenderness we might offer a loved one. We don’t always have to wait for someone else to walk us home. Sometimes, we can take those steps for ourselves.

References:

Kreutz, G., Bongard, S., Rohrmann, S., Hodapp, V., & Grebe, D. (2004). Effects of choir singing or listening on secretory immunoglobulin A, cortisol, and emotional state. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 27(6), 623–635.

McCraty, R., & Zayas, M. A. (2014). Cardiac coherence, self-regulation, autonomic stability, and psychosocial well-being. Frontiers in Psychology, 5, 1090.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.